Bless The Beasts and The Children

Now, “back in the day” as everyone seems to be saying at the moment, The Gentleman Thug was but a mere stripling. The world was perfect and he was still in short trousers. I might point out that these shorts were of the stout worsted variety, not the knee length type sported by the gormless skate-boarders that bedevil these sorry times. These Shorts could be, and often were, worn with a shirt and tie.

How the young Gentleman Thug cried when, at the age of Seventeen he was forced to move in to long trousers.

But I digress.

Children’s television then was a brief but golden thing. Found only on weekdays, it lasted little more than an hour. Starting with “Jackanory”, it moved on to “Blue Peter” then concluded with an incomprehensible and slightly terrifying dramatised Eastern European fairy story.

Things did evolve, but slowly. Every few months the BBC would show “Robinson Crusoe”. This was dubbed from French and was noticeable mainly for having neither a beginning or an end. One never saw Crusoe’s arrival on the island and one never saw him leave.

Perhaps he is still there, in his 90s, and still speaking in overdubbed French. Under these circumstances I feel awfully sorry for “Man Friday”.

Mercifully “Blue Peter” remained a rock of normality in a rapidly changing world. Remembered now for John Noakes, Shep and incontinent pachyderms it gave children an insight into an England of pointless activities and shoddy workmanship.

As was once said of England at the time “Everything seemed to be shut or broken” and Blue Peter with its coat-hangar advent crowns and matchbox dolls house furniture exemplified this perfectly.

As the 60s moved in to the 70s so “Blue Peter” faced a challenge from its racier ITV counterpart, “Magpie”. This is probably when the rot started to set in for children’s television. The presenters were younger, more fashionable and altogether “groovier”. God Dammit one even had a single in the pop charts. One can hardly imagine Peter Purves or Christopher Trace doing such a thing.

Worst of all, where “Blue Peter” had a jaunty sea shanty for a signature tune, “Magpie” had a “Rock” based theme that was, I imagine, sung by the singer from “Mungo Jerry” whilst enduring a massive rectal prolapse.

Of course some thirty-five years later the bad has moved on to the execrable. Most weekdays and virtually all Saturdays are taken up with “Kids” programmes. On ITV 1 there is something whose name escapes me, but is presented by an old little cove (male, I believe) that has shaved eyebrows and sports very heavy foundation make-up. The female presenters dress as French Maids and “Schoolgirls” and they all invite screaming celebrities to hurl “gunge” at one another. Whereas “Blue Peter” and it’s ilk invited children in to a world of innocent self-sufficiency, this garbage gives the pre-pubescent an unwelcome insight in the to world of fetishism and the wasting of good food.

On the BBC there once sat “Dick and Dom In Da House”. This was more of the same, but with worse spelling. This chamber of horrors must have had Lord Reith spinning in his grave like a top.

On both shows lavatorial language abounds. Little wonder than most eight-year olds now have a grasp of obscenities that would make a Soldier blush. It all starts somewhere.

So to conclude – and as you know from my previous work, The Gentleman Thug likes a prediction:.

The Gentleman Thug’s timetable for bad language on Children’s television.

2008. Sh*t
2009. W*nker
2010. F*ck
2011. C*nt

In the name of God bring back Tony Bastable and Susan Stranks before it is too late.